A Punctuation Revelation!

There’s been much chatter lately about the spectacularness of the semicolon. I however think the esoteric piece of punctuation leaves something to be desired.  I mean really, I’m no english major, but I never ever know when it’s appropriate to use the elusive semicolon; (?) to me it is exactly what it looks like – a glorified comma with a period shaped cherry on top.  You know what I say?  Over. Rated.  And you know what I instead want to discuss?  You guessed it! The exclamation point! It’s a loud, brute force, power ridden method of emphasizing the words that precede it – traditionally anyway.  However, I feel as though the internet, specifically blogging, has revitalized and reformed the use of the symbol.  These days ! is used to convey a connotation of snarky sarcasm (see 90% of the articles written on Gawker) or even an air of lighthearted declaration (see title).  So much awesomer than its ancestral implication.  The disruptive meaning in my opinion is so far superior, the old meaning has become obsolete.  I’ve grown so accostumed to using the ! for sarcasm, that it doesn’t even really compute when trying to convey emphasis as it’s intended to do.  So this leaves us with quite the dilemma. What do we do to remedy this situation?  The only thing that makes sense is the creation of a new symbol.  The question is do we keep the exclamation point for its traditional use? and make a new symbol for sarcasm? or do we cede the exclamation point to sarcasm and create a new symbol represent emphasis?

Yalie Shot, Mayor Responds: Tough Shit, Welcome to New Haven

"I am a Douche bag"

It’s 8pm in New Haven. It’s a lovely Summer’s eve. I’m outside sitting on my patio overlooking Orange St., talking on the phone. I’m then interrupted by the sounds of sirens. Police Sirens, soaring up the street at rapid, no bullshit pace. A few minutes later an equally hurried ambulance soared in the opposite direction.

The next morning the Yale community was alerted that a graduate student, moving into her new East Rock apt. had been mugged and after a struggle was shot in the hand by her mugger. The description of the suspect sent along by Police Chief James Perotti states, “The male is described as being approximately 25 years of age, chubby build, wearing a dark shirt, blue jeans and white cap,” is as always devoid of one key physical descriptor that might be super helpful in identifying the suspect – this is obviously race. I think it’s highly dysfunctional they leave this kind of critical detail out for the sake of political correctness. It’d be one thing if it wasn’t known…in which case they could say that race wasn’t known…but the crime happened in daylight hours and other news sources like the New Haven Register described the suspect, “as a black man.” The fact of the matter is when the choice information such as race is witheld ambiguously I am much more inclined to just assume it is a minority than had they just said they didn’t know. When they say nothing it makes it more obvious they’re trying to cover it (i’m still not sure for what reason) which just leads to people assuming…and then they’ve gotten no where anyway except they look like ignotards.

The other, even more disturbing reaction to this situation came from Mayor Douchie DeStefano. DeStefano comments, as WTNH reports:

“You have three cities in the state that have 40% of the state’s affordable housing, provide for most of the populations that have mental health and substance abuse needs, and basically is here for everybody — whether you’re a graduate student at Yale, or frankly, whether you’re someone with long-term mental health and substance abuse problems,” Mayor DeStefano said. “That’s the role that the cities in our state provide.”

Mayor DeStefano goes on to say (with a seemingly bizarre heir of pride) that New Haven will not turn away those who might be considered high-risk. “We will be a place for everybody, that’s what we’ve chosen to be,” he said. “We don’t pass zoning that keep people out, we don’t refuse facilities, be they group homes, mental health facilities, substance abuse, we have 24 registered sex offenders living in the city of New Haven right now and a parole and probation population of 5,000.”

Oh, so New Haven is like Ellis Island for degenerates, mentally ill, and dangerous criminals! Where they are welcomed and can find safe haven – no pun intended! This is basically what the Mayor is saying (with such eloquence it rivals that of Emma Lazarus!). Not only that, but Yale provides a wealth of well-to-do, tax dollar paying citizens that can pay for the hoodlums and their “facilities,” and simultaneously serve as prey to attacks and mugging when one of the crazies feels like committing a violent crime! (Irony!) Don’t like it? Well the Mayor feels that you’re shit out of luck…You should have went to Princeton! What kind of attitude is that to have? If anything you more than anyone should be working toward the reform of the city – not by refusing entry or through zoning as you falsely think people want, but through education, economic, social and police force reform…That’s your job asshole. Or is your description of New Haven above your definition of All-American you so proudly boast about? You are the lamest Mayor ever and I’d like to see how you’d feel after you were one of the victims of a shooting.

Seriously let’s ban together and impeach this loser… Or at least have him checked into one of the facilities and from there he can be the mayor of Boo Haven instead.

**Note: Also worth noting, I’m not sure where he gets his factoids from, but 24 sex offenders?  I think not…or at least not according to this highly reputable blog…as well as Family Watchdog.

Da HobOlympicz! “Light the (Bon)Fire Within”

Are you sick of hearing the name Michael Phelps every 7.2 seconds? Yeah, me too. So in anti-honor of the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics occurring this very moment, I propose the commencement of the first annual HobOlympics! (obvs to take place in NH). In concert with the sentiments of this blog, the HobOlympics will consist of scurrilous events that seek to exploit the desperate nature of hobos and crackheads alike in the spirit of competition, entertainment and overflowing funniness… The events after the jump.

08-08-08 – A Very Special Bitchyourfaceoff Edition

Nobody reads this blog…only freakoids and perved out zoophiliacs. Seriously…see for yourself:

Snap That: TGIF

I have officially been cast as CatWoman in the next installment of the BatMan Movies! Watch out Halle Berry! Cha Ching!

Education Costs Money, But Then So Does Ignorance

The above video was posted today in the NH Independent today. The fact that there exists a need for the creation of such a video deeply concerns my soul… because the creators basically pose the question – Would you rather go to college and get an education, or be a poor lowly bum? and they’re kinda totally serious.

TGIF!

Something has come to my attention. This something is displayed below in graphical form:

So based on these findings I think I need to be getting really trashed far more often. Before it’s too late, and sad and crotchety and pathetic…

And FYI…Gawker sucked this week, IvyGate was OK…as we know the NH Independent was kinda entertaining, but taking the cake (literally so to speak) – BWE blog…seriously read this or despair…

New Haven – As “All-American” As Rubber Hamburgers

Adorably nestled in between stories entitled, “Teen Slashed” and “Muslim Women’s Fitness” today on the NH Independant website was a piece about the super-ultra-mega celebration that was held in City Hall this weeks in honor of NH receieving the most “All-American City” award. Qua? At first I was a little confused, and you know, sad for America. Then it all started to make sense. Below is a listicle of the cities competing in the All-America competition…which may explain why, uhh…we won…although I’m sure it was still really close…

• Kandahar
• Detroit, Michigan
• Mexico City
• Baghdad
• Compton (i know there are many Comptons in America – but they’re essentially all the same, right? – Taster’s choice)
• Nauru
• Fairvale, California (fictional city of the movie Psycho)

So we New Haven conquered all…and to celebrate there was a huge bash! (paid for generously by your tax dollars) which included free give aways like New Haven – “It All Happens Here” (A catchphrase I think that needs re-wording…b/c you know, a lot of these happenings they’re referring to aren’t things anyone would want here)-Rubber Hamburgers (pictured above), Yo-yo’s, cake, and other various chachkies and swanky NH garb…Sadly I couldn’t attend, you know work and all, but I asked the hobo on the green, the one whose only sustenance is blue colored Scope and he said it was a blast…guess i’ll have to wait till we conquer it all next year…sigh

But the real take home lesson of this seems to be…If you’re city’s named “All-American” it’s time to move…Fuck me.

Why has no one else thought of this?

During a minor (eh, somewhat major) psychotic episode this weekend I had a brilliant epiphany. Basically I have created the perfect designer drug cocktail for disconsolate intellectuals who can’t deal with emotional problems and instead resort to sociopathic and destructive behavior instead. It’s 2 parts xanax, 2 parts zoloft, 2 parts adderrall and 1 part zocor (because anything that lowers cholesterol generally gets approved by the FDA). I call it Imsofuckedupitrex. I think it’d sell well (especially with PMSing women). It should take away depression and anxiety while still allowing the focus to be productive (because if you’re not a whiny musician whose work improves with depression, and you’re a lowly scientist instead focus actually seems to decrease with depression/anxiety and this can be a problem). Seriously I don’t know if any of these drugs would have antagonistic side effects, but my gut tells me they’d do well together. I’m already starting to fill out the patent application. I can smell the green already!

The Man Behind the (e-) Mail

Ok, I’ve been having a full on conundrum all week. It goes like this – It’s sorta slow in lab, so I’m sitting at my desk trying to be productive and analyze data, read papers, etc., etc, constantly checking my e-mail in hopes of a sprouting of some small form of joy or distraction. And what do I usually get? An e-mail from one of the people at Yale who e-mails me quite possibly most frequently. His name is Chief Officer James A. Perrotti. His e-mails always start out by basically saying he doesn’t want to be e-mailing the entire Yale community right now, but due to some federal law or something he’s mandated to. He then proceeds to describe (in what usually is) the most vague, nebulous and obscure way ever a crime that has occurred usually within the last 24 hours to someone in the Yale community. Someone’s been mugged/pan-handled, beaten to a pulp with milk crates, you know, all the stuff you don’t see in the brochures…