So yesterday our fearless leader spoke about stuff…mostly money stuff, but other important stuff too, like Israel and how bad the last administration fucked this country into the ground and being black and all…and oh yeah, someone asked that annoying question about that controversial science-y thing we all hear about – stem cell research…And Barack responded.  His response was totally sufficient for what he was trying to say – basically Stem Cell research is fine by me and the luno-s in the bible belt can go suck it b/c they’re ethical standards are dumb…that plus ethics aside, he made it very clear that in the long run the way to get our asses out of this fucked up economy is to stop spending so much money on sick, fat and old people and mitigate health care costs…which ofcourse starts with expanding funding and capabilities of science research…Awesome…he is great for folks like me! (I hate it when he says folks…which he did several times last night in the 10 minutes I watched…it reminds me of that last guy who did his job…anyway I digress…)  Anyway the point i’m trying to get at is, when you watch him respond below, I’m pretty convinced he has NO IDEA what stem cells even are…I’m pretty sure he knows absolutely nothing about science…Every time he reaches into his super brain and is looking for a science word, he stumbles with some uhmms and uhhs for a little bit before landing on usually something more politico like ‘morals’ or ‘ethics’ or just plain old ’science’ instead.  But anyway, someone needs to fill him in on ASAP on those stem cell things he’s all for…b/c it looks bad that he doesn’t really know anything about them except his stance…

As a Yale graduate student, I’m very infrequently privy to knowing when awesome speakers are going to appear on campus and display their brilliance upon us through the media of speech.  Yesterday, however, I was actually lucky enough to attend a talk by Ira Flato, host of NPR’s Science Friday – a piece that’s aired every Friday as part of a larger show Talk of the Nation.  It’s basically his job to convey important scientific revelations to a “lay” public as far as scientific knowledge is concerned.  He came to Yale to convey the importance of science in the public arena and how in today’s society, the “news” is delivered to us on cable TV by an industry fueled by and owned by the entertainment industry…thus making the “news” these days synonymous with that – entertainment…Science, as well as most other important topics like politics, economics, and social affairs, once considered newsworthy, are being disregarded in place of things like celebrity feuds and nonsense that can appeal to the lowest common denominator – lazy Americans…us as a society would rather lose themselves in other peoples’ lives as opposed to caring about anything that would actually be considered newsworthy.  Jessica Simpson’s weight gain and Christian Bale’s psychotic episode take a back seat to issues like the war in Iraq, or global warming or the current economic crisis or things that actually effect the world as a whole.  We live in an escapist realm where what we value has been so distorted by an elite society and pundits made to sell bizarro, radical, unimportant controversy that it distorts so extremely what’s actually relevat and important.

That aside…Ira Flato asked us all as a group of educated scientists to be able to perform one task – Explain what we do, as scientists, in one minute, to someone who has a non-science background.  It’s something I struggle with every time I meet someone new.  They ask me what I do.  I tell them I’m pursuing a PhD in Biomedical Engineering.  They ask me to elaborate.  I tell them I’m in the field of Drug Delivery.  Immediately I see in their mind them picturing me pushing QPs of heroin or coke on a street corner or in some shady motel.  I mean, Drug Delivery means nothing to someone not in the field that isn’t down and out right sketchy…and illegal.  That’s obviously not what I do…but how do you tell someone that what you do involves “polymers” and using them as “vectors” to more efficiently deliver pharmaceuticals, that may not actually be potent or effective if delivered otherwise for the purpose of treating cancer or gene therapy applications?  It’s just as tough of a task as actually getting up in the morning with that as a goal for the end of the day.  And trust me – it’s not an easy goal to have in mind.  It seems to me like it can be one step forward for every two steps back.  A hard thing to keep on doing.

And at the end of Ira’s talk the idea of creation vs. evolution came up somehow…I’m not sure how…It’s funny because I’ve actually heard a segment where Ira interviewed a famous paleontologist whose argument was something like this – I am a scientist, I believe in evolution, but I also believe in creation.  How is this the case?  I believe in creation because if some higher power was to in fact create a system to further development of beings – evolution would be the perfect one to do so….So there you have it – some higher being G-d may have you, created the system of evolution…Faith is science and science is faith.  And to tell you the truth, it’s how it feel sometimes.  I make nanoparticles.  I’ve done it may times.  It’s a procedure that’s been optimized and is easy.  Anyone can do it.  But at the end of the day all you end up with is a white looking powder.  You take it on faith sometimes that in fact that powder is composed of something much more – tiny, nano-sized spheres full of whatever it is you’ve chosen to put in them.  Something that could cure cancer or could help someone somewhere down the line…that’s why you get up everyday and do it…again and again.  Sure, science has helped us out in the form of microscopy – if you need to check yourself you can actually look at these spheres under 40,000x magnification and see that they in fact exist…but some part of you, even with the concrete evidence of a photographic, takes it on faith that that’s what’s there.

And where am I going with this?  I’m not sure…to tell you the truth I had a rough, drunk night.  I saw the last boy I actually really had some undeserved faith in with another girl tonight – he said “It is what it is.”  And maybe that is in fact the case…the world “is what it is.” and we should stop asking for answers that our beyond our scope of perception and just accept the way things are…reject science and accept it for the ironically unexplainable thing that it is with the perceptions we were granted as human beings.  My ex-boyfriend, who I truly did love once told me a great quote – “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”  And I guess that’s the point…it seems to me it’s all the same…So the question I leave you with is where does the border lie?  Where do science, religion, magic, love and the likes, where do they actually coincide, collide?  How do we reconcile ourselves in this world of science of faith, or love and heartache? Sobriety and drunkenness? I guess I don’t know…but I doubt this will be the end of my searching.

Myspace Glitter Graphics

When life gives you lemons – you lose yourself mindlessly at the casino bar stripclub crackden blingee.com!

Ok, so I try never to drive around New Haven anymore than I have to. For one, it’s small enough to get around without having a car, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. Everywhere on the street is plagued with parking meters. That’s fine…the city should be allowed to collect some form of compensation for essentially renting you space to leave your vehicle…However (prepare yourself for some major injustinces in 5, 4, 3, 2…) the parking meters in New Haven will on average eat 1/6 or so of the coins you feed it, and reward you with no time. In addition, putting in a quarter will buy you 12 minutes, but two dimes and a nickel will buy you 10 or 11 minutes depending on what kind of mood the meter is in. And yes, that is not to even mention the fact that parking on the streets of New Haven for 12 minutes costs 25 cents which is a ridiculousness all in itself. Don’t worry fellow residents – I’m taking action!

You know that feeling when you’ve met someone new and you’re excited and apprehensive and totally petrified. But then something happens…it can be really simple like a hand being grabbed or a first, totally mind-numbing kiss…You get fucking butterflies in regions lower than your stomach…and you feel airy and light because in that moment everything is just how you wish it could be eternally. Ok, well that’s the best way I can describe the new Fall Out Boy album. Haters should stop reading now as I review it in all its emo, heart entrenching, yet ironically comical, narcissistic, melodramatic and beautifully eclectic entirety.

As far as the sound goes it’s classic FOB – but I’d say slightly more aged, mature and complex than their most previous release – Infinity On High. This is exemplified in their list of guests who appear on the album, mostly people I don’t care about, but who if nothing else prove that the band has reached some sort of pinnacle as far as the music community is concerned by pulling out big names like that…although personally all I hear and all I want to hear is Patrick Stump’s muttonchomped face, harmonized, falsetto chords singing me to sleep or making me dance around the lab as he sings about amphetamines over funky horns in “20 Dollar Nose Bleed.” Yeah the album’s totally rich, it’s obviously a foundation of rock with mixes or punk, medley ballads, beat poetry, and brass components. It’s just overall bad assssssssssssss.

And the thing about FOB is that for an emo band they don’t do a lot of whining or crying. They make an ironic stance sometimes when it comes to this, as Rolling Stone points out in the album’s opening song, “Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes (BEST SONG NAME EVER that makes no sense) the lyrics go – “Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy”, and sometimes they’re self-absorbed, and sometimes they are sad and angst ridden or even funny, “My head’s in Heaven/My soles are in Hell/Let’s meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well,” and they’re always punny.

And to me it feels like every little three line or sometimes even three word chorus is empathic in that it feels like a zillion emotions nicely condensed into a few words. The album title is a perfect example, “Folie a Deux,” which describes the insanity of one person that is exacerbated many fold when complexed with the insanity of another. And even when the empathy is of the order of emo or sad, it has a funny uplifting way about it, like a protective, self-deprecating joke.

Bottom line, even if Pete Wentz has his own stop on the douchebag express I don’t care what you think! As Long as…No, no i’m not gonna go there…Folie a Deux is in fact happiness without the misery…there…i went there…

After the jump find an essay I wrote on the Jewish perspective of Love and Dating…The actual Jewish traditions of dating are probably a little too conservative for me to actualy apply purely to my real life.  But I think there are some fabulous lessons to be learned…and everytime I find myself led astray and lost due to the actions of some imperfect boy and his perfect ploy…This stuff kinda helps…Also where this info came from – Rabbi Shlomo Shulman, Gila Mendelson and Mrs. Levitan from Israel…I’m telling myself not to worry…I’ll go back to being funny and cynical soon…Once I get past this slight relapse of a quarter life crisis…

On Love and Limerence: A Jewish Perspective

What is love?  We think we know.  We’ve seen it portrayed through all types of media – novels, movies, TV.  We’ve heard anecdotes and witnessed relationships, like those of our parents.  But in my twenty five years of time spent on this earth I still feel completely unsure as to the true nature of the word and the emotions, responsibilities, goals and intrinsicalities that accompany the state of being in love.  So in the next few pages what I would like to accomplish is a discussion on the Jewish perspectives of love and relationships; It’s historical beginnings, basic tenets, and also its difficulties and shortcomings from both a societal and personal perspective.
My personal favorite story of love in the torah is that of Yaakov and Rachel (maybe I’m biased because my name is Rachel, but I digress).  As the story goes, Yaakov was sent away from his home to flee his brother Esau after he had deceived him.  Yaakov was sent to the house of his mother’s brother, Lavan, in Haran.  En route to Haran, Yaakov stops at a well that is plugged by a giant stone.   Sheppard begin to gather around the well to wait for enough men to arrive in order to remove the stone so that they can water their flocks.  Yaakov inquires as to the whereabouts of Lavan. As he is doing so, Lavan’s younger daughter Rachel appears sheparding her father’s flock.  What happens next seems like a scene out of any good romantic fairy tale – “It was as Yaakov saw Rachel, the daughter of Lavan, his (Yaakov’s) mother’s brother and the flock of Lavan, his mother’s brother—Yaakov approached and rolled off the stone from the well and he watered the flock of Lavan, his mother’s brother.” ** Note: He moved the stone all by himself!
Yaakov then returns home with Rachel to meet Lavan. After a month of working for Lavan, Yaakov wants to discuss a fair salary for his work. “Yaakov loved Rachel and he said: ‘I will work seven years for Rachel, your younger daughter.’”  So Yaakov has asked for Rachel’s hand in marriage as part of his compensation, but the working seven years thing is somewhat quizzical.  Doesn’t that seem somewhat excessive?  Next, “Yaakov worked for seven years for Rachel, and they were in his eyes like a few days in his love for her.” So Yaakov does indeed work the seven years for Rachel. What is difficult to comprehend is the statement that follows – “and they were in his eyes like a few days in his love for her.” What?  For a couple so passionately in love wouldn’t it seem like every day would feel like seven years? Shouldn’t these seven years have felt like forever?  How could they have passed so quickly in his mind?
The solution to this problem lies in the fundamental answer the Torah is trying to teach us about what love truly is.  The famous rabbi Eliyahu Lopian gives an example in his work Lev Eliyahu about the common misconceptions of love in today’s society.  He gives the analogy of a man ravenously eating fish who exclaims, “I love fish!” But we know that the man doesn’t actually love fish.  What the man does in fact love is himself and the way the fish makes him feel when he eats it.  The same is true for all material things we claim to love.  And in today’s day and age it can also be reflective of how we feel about people.  In today’s society love of oneself can be disguised as love of another.  This is not true love.  Rav Lopian describes this love as a “physical” love – a love of oneself and the “excitement and status and pleasure that their beloved provides for them.”  The Torah on the other hand describes a “spiritual” love as that between Yaakov and Rachel.  Yaakov’s wish to marry Rachel stemmed from his desire to give to her.  Now we can look back and understand that those seven years he spent working “in his love for her,” was a means of giving to her in the most selfless way possible.  Yaakov wanted to give himself because he knew that giving is what in fact creates love.  And he knew that that giving would found a strong marriage and that is how the time sailed by.  It is no coincidence that the Hebrew word for love – ahava comes from the root of the word hav – “to give.”
The story of Yaakov and Rachel teaches us a lot about the essence of love in its most true form.   But in today’s society the idea of love at first sight seems anachronistic at best.  People don’t fall in love at a passing glance.  So the question posed is how does one go about finding their Yaakov or Rachel?  And how does one distinguish love from lust, infatuation or limerence?  The Jewish tradition has set forth guidelines in order to distinguish these easily confused states in a logical, practical and controlled manner that seeks to mitigate emotional investment in ill-fated relationships.
To begin with in the Jewish tradition love is thought of as a conscious and controlled decision, not a state that’s merely fallen upon.  When searching for a partner it is stressed that objectivity and clarity be used to assess the relationship.  Factors such as background, education, similar goals and values, personality, family and friends; things that really define ones character.  Things that are external or superficial are put off as unimportant (unlike what seems to be valued in secular society).  Religious Jews exemplify these ideals in the virtue known as tsnius.  Tsnius meaning modesty or “secret” refers to the idea that the body should always be tastefully covered.  The underlying idea is that true beauty lies not in what is openly flaunted for all to see but in what is hidden.  The human body is merely a vessel for the soul, which unlike the exterior is sacred and where beauty truly lies.  In this sense Judaism rejects the notion that true beauty or attractiveness is determined by how close a girl approaches an ideal, arbitrary and subjective standard put forth by society.  Rather it is the totality of the person, the combination of personality, charm, wit, sensitivity, kindness rather than merely image that reflects beauty.
Judaism also beseeches the notion of friendship before relationship/marriage.  In this sense it requires that a relationship completely lack physical contact before marriage.  This includes all forms of touching even that of a greeting handshake.  Why limit contact so rigorously?  It is believed that it is easier to maintain control up to the point of physical contact because once this boundary is crossed self-control and restraint becomes ever more difficult to control.  It is believed that only after marriage should physical contact come into play.  Physical contact that happens prior to this point has the possibility of being insincere, distorting objectivity and can result in a loss of control and hurt feelings.  Also if physical contact is the end goal of a date it lowers the value of more important aspects of an initial or growing relationship such as intellectual conversation and overall rapport.  It is also at the point of premature physical contact where the difference between love and limerence becomes blurred.  Whereas love is a mutual feeling that requires working with and giving oneself to another person, lust and limerence can be easily confused with these ideals once a physical relationship has developed.
The Jewish approach stresses many factors that in an ever growing secular society have been dismissed in exchange for instant gratification, and preservation of a subjectively acceptable “image.”  That’s not to say that there aren’t individuals secular individuals who uphold these values, but many of us have become jaded and could use a lesson in humility and giving before we try to find meaningful relationships in someone else.  It’s also not to say that this system employed by religious Jewish communities is without its problems.  For example, banning male-female contact completely before marriage could rush two people into a marriage in order to be able to consummate a physical relationship instead of actually being truly in love.
Other problems exist to.  Awhile back I was listening to my favorite radio show on NPR – This American Life.  This show portrays stories of everyday Americans doing everything from the mundane to the extraordinary.  Each week the show has a different theme.  This particular show was entitled Matchmakers and highlights the story of Chaya Lipschultz an orthodox woman living in Brooklyn.  The story fits under the theme of Matchmaking not for an obvious reason, but because Chaya has donated one of her kidneys to a stranger and has since made it her life’s mission to try and get others to make such an ultimate, selfless sacrifice as she has done to save another human beings life.  At one point in the story Chaya is asked her age.  She at this point gets extremely upset and refuses to answer the question.  When asked why she says it’s because she isn’t married.  We can assume Chaya is middle aged.  The point is Chaya, as a single middle-aged woman.  She goes on to talk about not merely being left out of her community as a result, but essentially she has been shunned and pitied as well.  Not exactly something I’d be proud of if I was a member of that community – leaving out a member who’s doing such good things in the world.  But it has become so engrained in the Jewish tradition that marriage is the natural state of being that individuals of adult age on their own aren’t respected.  The prospect of marriage also seems to have time limitations.  As women get older (even to the point where in a secular society they’d still be considered young) they are cast aside as undesirable and it becomes even more difficult for them to find a partner or carry out a normal life as a single person.
Although the Jewish perspective and communities have some flaws in the way they go about dating and finding true love it does set forth a most logical and genuine approach when it comes to looking for ones soul mate.  It highlights that love is about giving, not about getting as Yaakov taught us long ago.  It also teaches us that love is not something that falls into ones lap, but rather something that needs to be constantly worked towards and that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.  So if you’re out there looking for love, open your eyes and see what you might find.

Brief References:
http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=347
Rabbi Shlomo Shulman’s Parsha views for Genesis 28:10-32:3
Various lectures from Neve Yerushalayim (seminary in Har Nof, Israel)

Ahh 2009 has begun!  No way it can be worse than 2008 (knock on wood).  Anyway I’ve got some New Year’s resolutions with a NH twist…here goes.

1. Run the Stratton Faxon New Haven 5K RoadRace in < 30 minutes.

I’ve been running/jogging for just about a year now.  I’ve completed 3 official 5K’s.  The first of which was on Labor Day.  This year at the same race I’d like to post a time under 30 minutes.  Really for this resolution I’d like to just say lose 30lbs.  But that’s too generic…so I’ll just say I’d like to improve my 5K time knowing that in order to do so I’m gonna need to get rid of some excess baggage.

2. Destroy my Quals

So now I’m a year and a half into grad school.  I’m done with classes and that means it’s working in the lab full time.  My goal is for the next few works to buckle down and get some serious work done and accomplish some bad ass results.  Before the fall I have to pass my qualifying exam which consists of a presentation on the aims I will hope to accomplish in my thesis in the years to come.  I’d like in the next few months to stay focussed on why I’m here – and that’s to do some hardcore BMEing and not be so consumed with distractions as I sometimes am.  I do really love what I do and although transitioning into working in the lab independently has been somewhat of a challenge I want to vow to give it my all to rise to the occassion.

3.  BLOG MORE

I know everyone has missed my brilliant insight…so lastly I want to make it more of a priority to put up some more posts more consistently.  I know the last post was a huge digression from my normal witty self…and I won’t lie these past few weeks have been kind of a trying time for me personally.  I’m not saying I’m giving up oversharing altogether in this space but I want to get back to why I started this whole thing – to bitch about New Haven, share my insights on pop culture and obviously discuss hobos.

So with that I wish everyone a happy and a healthy 2009.

It’s eight o’ clock and he should have called by now.  I call him back and before he even says “Ms. Fields” I grunt, “What the fuck?”  He shrugs off my hostility and tells me he’ll be home in ten minutes and I should come over then.  When I arrive he’s just pulled into the driveway and exits his car.  It’s dark and all I really see is the orange torch capping the end of his cigarette.  We go inside.  He goes down to the basement to free his roomate’s dog from the captivity of a small metal mesh cage where he’s confined to when no one’s home.  There’s some small talk as he points out the thirty dollar North Face gloves he’s just purchased with a gift certificate from Urban Outfitters…A place he’d never shop in if it wasn’t for a gift certificate – overpriced T-shirts he says.  We then, all three of us head up to his room.  It all seems fairly routine at this point.  He frees himself of his corduroy pants, yet he still remains clad in black boxers and an awful 80’s inspired Eddie Bauer flannel.  He jumps on his bed.  The dog follows and I have a seat there too.  He then gets up and starts pacing a bit.  Starts folding his cords all “nice nice” on a hangar and hangs them in a closet while I scratch the back of the dog’s ears as he starts making a cat like purr.  He then jumps right back on and in an effort to steel away the attention of the dog starts riling him up.  Usually the dog’s all for it.  But tonight he’d rather not be bothered.  We’re supposed to be watching a movie.  Usually the new fancy blu-ray player would already be on and ready…but he hasn’t yet gotten around to turning it on yet…He’s still messing around with the dog, who’s having none of what he’s offering.  I say “here Boy”  and the dog obediently sits on my lap and begins his satisfactory pants.  In somewhat of a jealous tone he says “She gives a mean blow job too.”  I roll my eyes and continue scratching the dog.  He makes a second flamboyant attempt to steel the dog’s attention, tryiing to roll him over onto his back to scratch his stomach, but this time he’s had enough and leaves the room.  For awhile, what seems like an eternity, we just stare at each other.  It’s now that I know something’s wrong.  He’s just looking square in the eyes…Still a smirk lingers on his face and I can’t tell if it’s in jest or if it’s something more.  Both of us just sit and stare…no words.  He then gets under the covers lights still on, TV still off.  Something’s very wrong.  I go ahead and get under them too.  But he stops me.

“Wait, don’t yet.” I look at him puzzled.  My eyebrows curl in an uncomfortable manner and he points that fact out.  I tell him just to say what he’s thinking.  He tells me he’s been having one of those days.  He spent sometime riding around listening to Linkin Park, mustic he fancies when he’s feeling off.  He’s often feeling off.  He starts by saying that he’s been feeling like we’re back in that place.  A place we were not too long ago.  He asks if I agree.  I say I do…I don’t really but I guess I have to if he’s starting this conversation again.  He asks if i’m Ok with how things are.  I don’t have an immediate response.  He starts off with an analogy…Something about Ice Cream.  I tell him not to patronize me that I understand real words and he should use those instead.  He looks me in the eye and says – I don’t want… and this isn’t going to change, for you to be my girlfriend.  Do you understand?  he says.  I say I do, but no, really I don’t.  He starts explaining all the things that need to change.  This has all been said before.  I tell him that we both know these things won’t change – it is what it is…a saying I abhor that he uses constantly…a little adage he picked up in AA…the place he spends all his time when he’s not working or with me.  But I say it anyway because I know he’ll understand.   I pause.  I try to gather the thoughts.  Thoughts I have every minute of every day into a cohesive sounding explanation.  But for now I just stare at the plaid duvet cover of his comforter – glazing over the waffle shaped pattern.  I tell him I don’t know what to say.  I keep thinking.  I don’t understand…It is what it is  I say again…and you know what, If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, then odds are it’s a duck is the best I can conjur up.  He states again that I don’t understand and I have no other choice but to agree again.  I don’t understand because we are for all intense and purpose a couple…a really good one at that even if he is in denial. So it just goes on being what “it is” because I don’t want to pressure him and he’s scared of losing this relationship thing he denies exists.  The vail of awkwardness remains, although it keeps getting thinner and the purgatory status continues to prevail…better than nothing I guess we both feel.  I tell him that.  I know he cares for me, I know there’s something there.  He agrees.  He tells me he thinks about me all the time, that he trusts me and he really does care.  It’s then that he states again that I still don’t understand.  So i tell him to explain it…  He dives back into that ice cream example.  Something about chocolate and wanting vanilla.  I ask him what more he wants from me.  That the foundation’s there…everything’s there…  He yoinks out another brililant analogy.  He says – say you might want, for example, someone who’s six foot tall and has a ten inch black cock, but then there’s me five foot three, struggling for six and a half inches.  I tell him to stop right where he is.  So, all this time and you finally admit it, I say.  That’s what’s causing all this…For all this time.  It only took him six months to get to the chase.  My 190lb body starts to feel like twice that.  The tears start to form a little.  Well I’m glad you finally just came out and said it.  I don’t know how to feel.  I’m almost in disbelief.  Like he’s lying…because he’s right, i really can’t comprehend it…not after this long.  We’ve been sleeping together for months now.  If he finds it so horrible then why?  Maybe I’m naive in looking for something perfect he says…with the implication of just how far from perfection I am heavily lingering.  He’s serious.  Now I start to cry.  Really?  I demand.  Really?  The tears are coming full force now and I just say.  I guess I had you all wrong then you’re not who I thought you were.  I look at him and tell him that when we first met it wasn’t his five foot three physique that made me want to be around him.  It was him, who he was and that if this is who he was then I didn’t want to be a part of it.  He starts defending himself about how he still doesn’t feel like a shallow person cause of it.  There’s nothing more left to say.  I get up and tell him I’m going to go now.    He keeps on going and asking if we could still be friends but before he even gets the words out I say no.  I look at him tears in his eyes now too.  I’m halfway to the door and just say, my perfect ice cream flavor definitely did not have alcoholic, college drop out, shorter then me in it – but those aren’t even what I think of when I look at you.  All I see is my best friend.  And when you look at me, all you and your ego see is the Fat girl.  And I can’t live like that.  And the saddest thing here is it’s not even a physical thing…that would be one thing.  It’s your giant ego.  I leave and it’s still not easy.  As I’m walking down the stairs I want to turn around and make a final plea.  I want to look at him and tell him that he’s wrong, we are perfect…Even in our imperfections.  I don’t go back.  It’s infinitely sad though, knowing that I’ll feel this way long after the night’s over…

I walk out.  I’m not turning back this time.  I’m not going to call him when I get home…I start thinking about who I could call to not be alone.  But tonight it’s just me and a Tylenol PM.

Finally!  Something super bad-ass at Yale.  Sadly I didn’t have to leave my lonely little apartment to view it…sigh…but I’m really glad somebody finally stepped up and did something that lives up to the reputation this school has…I mean…shit like that probably happens all the time here, it’s just usually reserved for everyone but the lame-o grad students or something…Anyway check it out in all most of its historical accuracy. P.S. – Saybrook represent!

Tonight began the holiest day of the Jewish calendar – Yom Kippur – The Day of Attonement.  Throughout my life I always remember dreading this day more than any other of the Jewish high holidays.  Mainly I guess because it’s comes attached with it the notion of being “holiest” – something that kind of scared – and it entailed spending a day sitting around bathing in a years worth of guilt in a formal setting while not eating.  But for some reason this year it dawned on me that Yom Kippur actually is kind of awesome.  Because in actuality Yom Kippur is a cleansing…A chance to reflect and purge all the wrongs, sins, misdoings of the past year and start clean slate fresh.

While reflecting on the past year – a year where I actually did essentially start fresh with my move to New Haven – I thought about the new and old relationships, both internal and external, their growths, progressions and in some cases their demises.  And it dawned on me what exactly it is that sets humankind apart from all else.  It is the constant struggle between instinct and intellect – choosing not to do what we are intrinsically compulsed to do in favor of what we have been taught is the right thing to do.  Today we remind ourselves that we aim to be masters, not servants to our instincts via the use of our intellect.  I’ve now been living here in New Haven for over a year and there are more examples now then ever before of how difficult it can be to find balance between these two forces…and how living happily and healthily as we like to say at the start of New Years is completely dependent on it. 

So I’ve had some time to live, complain, make poor decisions in this past year.  And now it’s time for some of that to change.  For me to take the reigns so to speak and start making this year a better one than the last.  I’ve made some awful decisions when it’s come to my family, my academic performance and the relationships I’ve choosen to pursue (just to name a few).  And I would like to say I honestly will make a covenant between me and myself to improve upon all these aspects of my life.