New Haven – As “All-American” As Rubber Hamburgers

Adorably nestled in between stories entitled, “Teen Slashed” and “Muslim Women’s Fitness” today on the NH Independant website was a piece about the super-ultra-mega celebration that was held in City Hall this weeks in honor of NH receieving the most “All-American City” award. Qua? At first I was a little confused, and you know, sad for America. Then it all started to make sense. Below is a listicle of the cities competing in the All-America competition…which may explain why, uhh…we won…although I’m sure it was still really close…

• Kandahar
• Detroit, Michigan
• Mexico City
• Baghdad
• Compton (i know there are many Comptons in America – but they’re essentially all the same, right? – Taster’s choice)
• Nauru
• Fairvale, California (fictional city of the movie Psycho)

So we New Haven conquered all…and to celebrate there was a huge bash! (paid for generously by your tax dollars) which included free give aways like New Haven – “It All Happens Here” (A catchphrase I think that needs re-wording…b/c you know, a lot of these happenings they’re referring to aren’t things anyone would want here)-Rubber Hamburgers (pictured above), Yo-yo’s, cake, and other various chachkies and swanky NH garb…Sadly I couldn’t attend, you know work and all, but I asked the hobo on the green, the one whose only sustenance is blue colored Scope and he said it was a blast…guess i’ll have to wait till we conquer it all next year…sigh

But the real take home lesson of this seems to be…If you’re city’s named “All-American” it’s time to move…Fuck me.